2015-05-22 Ask For Change

2015-05-22

Ask for Change

I think I am a good person, and I feel most people would consider themselves good people as well. It is because of this, that I, and I am confident you, feel compelled to help others and see the potential in people. I do feel however, that this is a limited idea, if happiness is a personal goal.

This is why

Has anyone ever tried to correct you on something that you did not want his or her help with? Has anyone ever tried to coach you to do something you ultimately did not want to do? Has anyone ever given you his or her opinion, when you did not really care to hear it (or it served no actual purpose?)? 

How did these situations make you feel?  Ultimately, did it succeed in changing you (considering you did not want to be changed)?

The answer is no

Now consider you are at times that person, deliberately or subconsciously.

We choose to see the best in people. Also, we try to share our opinions, feedback, guidance and help to those as well.  Those are only productive and worthwhile to do if one condition is met…

That they ask you for it

In my experience, specifically in health and fitness, I used to feel compelled to share my opinion and offer advice, without being asked. My experience? Not one positive change, not one successful long-term outcome.

Why? It is simple; they did not seek it out

If someone is not ready to listen, it does not matter what you have to say. All the energy, knowledge, and time spent will be for nothing. That is not only defeating, but also futile. Instead, I direct my time and energy on opportunities and situations where I have been invited, and therefore allowed to help. This has been a monumentally more successful, and meaningful change.

What it looks like in practical application is simple; if someone is venting, I listen. If someone is thinking aloud, I listen. If they tell me their plans, I listen. If they ask, I answer.

Real simple, real efficient.

Ultimately, the foundation of this idea is not something I thought into existence; I learned it through a mini-course called solutions-focused coaching. The course essentially says that there are two directions: problem solving and solutions focused coaching. Long story short, the first pitch for solution focused coaching is called platforming. What platforming literally means is asking if this (problem, conflict, etc.) is something one wants help with, or is just venting. This idea has fundamentally changed the way I approach human interactions.

The same can be said for relationships.

Relationships are the most challenging, volatile and unpredictable storms to set sail into. Consider some of the courting elements of modern dating;

Show interest, but not too much

Hangout, but not too much

Txt them, but not too much

Try and play it cool as long as possible

Act like you do no care

Never care more than they do

Well, that sure does sound complicated.

I believe that a lot of the time, it goes as simple as this;

Person A likes person B, but person B does not like person A. So, while person A is trying to figure out the mastermind approach of the right amounts of the courting elements, person B does not care. So, person A will torment themselves trying to chase person B, because they are convinced that is how it is supposed to go.

Person A is trying to solve person B’s problem of being single, but person B is not asking for person A’s opinions, feedback, guidance or help.

It is really silly when put like that, right?

I am sure we have all experienced being both person A and person B. They both suck, a lot. While we cannot control (nor would we want to) other people’s feelings or wants, we can be aware if we are trying to sell something they just do not want to buy. It feels devastating to chase something you will never experience, just like it feels devastating to allow someone to do so on account of you.

When in doubt, I suggest platforming for two basic reasons.

1.     If there is a miscommunication, you can fix it and live happily ever after

2.     If they do not like you, it’s an efficient way to figure that out. At which point, who cares anyway? Next!

Ultimately in life, fitness, health, and even relationships, I feel that happiness is internal. We should seek to understand if we are invited, because if we do not that is just a waste of time.

If happiness is the goal (leanstronghappy), we should focus on what we can change. Without permission, is it worth the time and energy? I do not think so.